Peaks are Never as High as They Look

“Climbing the Devil’s Thumb, however, had nudged me a little further away from the obdurate innocence of childhood.  It taught me something about what mountains can and can’t do, about the limits of dreams.  I didn’t recognize that at the time, of course, but I’m grateful for it now.”
-John Krakauer, “The Devil’s Thumb”

This week, I was rereading Eiger Dreams, a collection of essays by John Krakauer, and I came across that quote.  It really spoke to me.  It’s probably no secret to anyone at this point that I almost didn’t come back to law school after this summer.  The first chunk of law school wasn’t so great, either, and I couldn’t figure out why.  My living situation has improved (I have a roommate and a dog now, so I only talk to kitchen appliances for fun and profit), I have fewer classes, and the classes I’m taking are (mostly) about things that I’m actually interested in.  I’m also really enjoying being an associate member of a law review, although it does cause me some stress from time to time.  Plus, my music is really doing well.  I recorded an album (although I still haven’t finished the album art…), made some t-shirts, and, most importantly, feel like I’m playing the best shows I’ve ever played lately.  In short, I have very little excuse to feel anything but pretty fulfilled with how life has been going.

But I didn’t feel that way.  I haven’t been depressed or anything, but I’ve just been sort of coasting along without any real engagement or satisfaction.  I was stuck in a very familiar place of doing things because they were what I was supposed to do, not because I was interested or passionate about them.  Maybe I got there because my internship this summer wasn’t what I hoped it would be.  Maybe it’s just someplace I’m destined to end up every once in a while.  I don’t like being there.  The best times in my life have been times when I haven’t worried about the why of what I’m doing, because it’s obvious.  I’m out doing things because it fulfills my passions.

I think the root issue that got me bogged down here was thinking about my “career.”  When you’re in school (especially after everyone else your age has a real job), one of the go to conversation topics is what you want to be when you grow up.  I’ve always struggled with that question.  I have some ideas from time to time about things I want to be – a political operative, a fishing guide, an economic development or environmental attorney – but when I start focusing too hard on those things, I usually find out pretty quickly that they don’t live up to my expectations.  I think it’s because if your entire justification for existence is some kind of end goal, like a job or to stand on the top of a mountain, and you don’t make the effort to enjoy yourself en route, you find pretty quickly that the goal could never be worth the misery you put yourself through on a day to day basis.

The essay that that quote comes from is about Krakauer’s ascent of the Devil’s Thumb in Alaska, which he had obsessed over for years.  When he finally reached the top, it was barely big enough for him to perch on, and after just a minute or two, he left.  A few weeks later, he was back working the job he’d quit to pursue his lifelong dream.  I think if the only reason I keep doing what I’m doing is to reach some particular end goal – being a rock star or an environmental lawyer – eventually, if I attain that goal, all I’ll be left with is, “Now what?”

It’s important to know where you’re going, but I’m realizing that it’s just as important to make sure you’re happy while you’re getting there.

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